WWE RAW Sewage

WWE RAW Sewage

Week of 10/19/2015

Sexy Submissive Sauce

    “Look Into My Eyes

Tell Me What You See

This Show is Piss

Now Kill Me Please”

With week after week of terrible shows and all time low ratings, WWE turned to nostalgia to pique my interest. Superstars old and new sharing the ring together. You guys like Steve Austin, right? THIS IS DALLAS OF COURSE YOU DO. How about Undertaker?! SURE! Brock Lesnar?! Squirt some semen on my chapped lips YOU BET I WANT LESNAR. Good to hear, because all 3 are going to share the same ring and manage to not actually sell anything for 20 minutes. What do you mean “new Star Wars trailer?” You guys liked the SHIELD, right? Guys...

SPEAKING OF HELL IN A CELL

            Undertaker vs Lesnar in a Hell in a Cell match is a match we would all be freaking out about...12 year ago. If there’s one thing I agree with the WWE is that Brock Lesnar really IS a special attraction. The Beast Incarnate is the best gimmick the company has put together in years and having his dick punched on Pay Per View/Network Specials (look I don’t fucking know what to call them any more) is the worst turn anyone could make. I drive by her house daily just to bring back the fun memories.  

             

Ask any massive idiot that still watches weekly what they look forward to the most at Hell In A Cell and you’ll probably get a look of bewilderment. The “Deer In Headlights” look.  Absolutely no match on this card looks interesting at all. Part of the blame is the fact that we have themed PPVs. Hell in a Cell/Elimination Chamber should be the absolute last resort on means to conclude a story. You know, crafting a story of months for it to culminate in a violent cage match that leaves no question as to who comes out on top. It’s this crazy thing called “storytelling” which was all the rage back when this company wasn’t topping itself with record low ratings on a weekly basis. Instead this is “Oh yeah it’s October, someone remember to load up that big stupid cage and bring it to the arena, don’t worry we’ll throw Kane in there. Shit will be jokes.”  

         The other part of the blame is that the Undertaker has absolutely no business in the ring. You can argue that statement but we all know you would just be hanging onto nostalgia. I randomly think about the time we went to Six Flags, riding roller coasters, laughing with her from one ride to the next, knowing our future would be special. The past two matches have ended in The Phenom needing actual assistance going back through the curtain post match. Having The Beast destroy an old guy sounds hilarious on paper, but is flat out depressing in front of cameras. I almost don’t want to watch...I say as I cancel all of the plans I don’t have so I can eat an entire pizza while watching a geriatric get suplexed into dust.

The Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels had a somewhat entertaining in-ring promo with the World Heavyweight Champion Seth Rollins.  Basically the promo came down to HBK reciting an older speech where he goes on about everyone claiming to be “Shawn Michaels version two.”  The direction of this segment came off like Vince himself asking us to stop comparing Rollins to Michaels and let him go do his own thing. At this point I kinda zoned out when I started thinking of all the holidays I spent with her family. The warmth of her fireplace, the look in her eyes when I shared time with her, contrasted with the bitter loneliness of a grown ass man that still watches professional wrestling. Only hearing the sounds of my dishwasher, it too knowing I’ve been cooking for one person for years now.  Im sure she's cooking for her lovely family.  When I snapped out of my gaze I quickly remembered, “Wheres Kane? Isnt he fighting Seth for the title on Sunday?”  Well gamer do I have news for you. The company felt the need to suspend CORPORATE KANE or something. As much as I can’t stand Kane, leaving the number one contender for the title off of the go home show is laughable. I have no idea how this segment ended, but hopefully it was the same way my life will: with Shawn Michaels saying “I’m sorry, I love you” and kicking me in the face.

RAW was Main Evented™(haha do you see what I did right there?!  give it a minute it will sink in) with the Wyatt Family, with the addition of Erik Rowan and the absence of Luke Harper.  Absolutely no reason was given. She never said why she left. Just one day all of our memories became just that. Memories. Our once promised future was just a distant dream at the blink of an eye. On the other side of the ring was THE SHIELD. HOLY SHIT THE SHIELD IS BACK.  Well hold the phone there idiot. It was really Dean Ambrose and Roman Reigns guest starring Seth Rollins, who left halfway through the match.   

The rest of RAW was an episode you’ve seen before. New Day being funny as always, divas are still carrying on the revolution (thank you Steph), and Kevin Owens hitting an absolutely stunning powerbomb on big ass Mark Henry. The one notable exception this week however is that like Luke Harper, Randy Orton was also missing. Cole tried to explain that Orton suffered an off camera injury, likely due to the Wyatt family attacking him. According to the dirtsheetz (who are never, ever wrong), Orton may have suffered another shoulder injury while carrying a trashbag. Literally. That’s weird, I don’t remember him wrestling Sheamus last week.

Now that shitstain of a show is over, what can we look forward to at Hell In a Cell?  

Nothing. Seriously, this show will be another “Not A Big 4” special and will be quickly forgotten in the coming days. Also because Halo 5 comes out hours later and nothing will matter for months while I digest that game. We’ve already covered the wet fart of a main event, so how does the rest of the card look?

John Cena vs TBD: Most likely due to Randy Orton being out of action, this match was announced at RAW. Cena is once again carrying out an open challenge for the title. I ran through the options in my head. Who isn’t booked for this show? It would be amazing if Prince Pretty challenged for the title, but that wouldn’t make sense. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. Do you know who doesn’t have a match? The Fucking Big Show. The Big Show is going to knockout punch Cena (who’s taking time off after this show) and there’s not a god damned thing anyone can do about it.

I’m so broken by this trash product that all I want is for Corporate Kane to be the surprise opponent, win the US title, then have Demon Kane win in the main event. Fuck this company to death, let it ride on Kane.

Kevin Owens vs Ryback:  Let me guess, someone is going to yell “FEED ME MORE” and someone is just going to yell. I’m sure there will be a pop-up powerbomb. Thank God Kevin Owens was relegated to just another guy, I almost had a vested interest in the product for a while there.

The New Day vs The Dudley Boyz for the Tag Team CHAMPIONSHAAAA:  Why this match isn’t falling under some sort of extreme rules setting or a Hell in a Cell is beyond me. The New Day has proven that they can be as, if not more vicious, than the Dudley Boyz when they need to be. God dammit, it’s going to end in a Xavier Woods DQ again, isn’t it?

Charlotte vs Nikki Bella for the butterfly belt: You can look but you can’t watch this match please just watch the World Series or something instead I beg you.

Reigns vs Bray Wyatt in the cell.  Reigns and Bray Wyatt are still in a tissy for some reason, this time they’re caged LIKE WILD ANIMALS I TELL YA!

Seth Rollins vs Kane for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship. If DEMON KANE loses, CORPORATE KANE WILL BE FIRED FROM BEING THE DIRECTOR OF OPERATIONS.  If you care at all for this then please leave a comment describing how you feel anything anymore, because I sure don’t.

There you have it. Another build up show for a bigger special in Survivor Series coming next month. If you’re thinking of ending it after Sunday night just remember that Master Chief is a goddamn traitor and Spartan Locke will save us all. Hunt the truth, uggos.  

Terminator Genisys: Genesis Spelled With a WHY

Do you think they call it Terminator Mega Dryve in the UK?

There are spoilers ahead, but who cares it’s terrible

The year is 2029. Three billion are dead after Skynet used our own missile defense system against us. Our hero Resistance leader John Connor (Jason Clarke) is launching what is supposed to be the final offensive assault, but the finality has more to do with how much money this movie rakes in over in China than it does his brilliant strategizing. They will attack on two fronts - the past and the future. He creates two task forces: one team to strike Skynet’s central core and a second team led by Kyle Reese (Jai Courtney) to destroy a thuper thecret time machine. Or something.

Skynet panics and sends a T-800 back to 1984 to kill John’s mother, Sarah Connor (Emilia Clarke), before she can learn to talk to dragons or whatever the fuck she does. The supercomputer believes this is the best course of action instead of just killing John then and there and ending the war without creating a convoluted spider-web of time travel bullshit. Reese volunteers to go back in time to protect her and ensure John survives and leads the Resistance instead of going back further and murderin-fuck it. The T-800 arrives and tries to attack Sarah but is quickly killed by a decrepit Arnold Schwarzenegger, who has been reprogrammed to protect her and to resemble a sun burned leather purse.

Guess what assholes, we’ve got an altered timeline. Sarah knows about Skynet, Judgement Day, Reese being her guardian, and Gamergate. The past is different? That must mean…the future is different! The three of them are attacked by a T-1000 but it’s so awful that I can’t bring myself to say anything about it without downing yet another shot of lukewarm Fireball. After some bickering and awkward sexual tension the trio decide to travel to 2017 through ANOTHER time machine.

They arrive in the far flung distant future of…2 years from now and John Connor is there to rescue them from something for some reason. Who cares. Arnold appears out of nowhere and shoots John, revealing what probably would have been a really cool twist if it wasn’t in every single piece of advertising for this garbage heap. That’s right, John was infected by a T-who gives a fuck and transformed for some reason. Now he’s here to ensure Skynet’s rise to power and Judgement Day and god dammit whatever.

This is Terminator Genisys. Welcome to a world where time travel doesn't make any bit of goddamn sense, the in-jokes come off as pandering and sad, and Arnold has aged to a point where I’d rather watch him sit around a nursing home and complain about minorities. Trying to make sense of the plot is like trying to solve a puzzle without half of the pieces. Unfortunately for the movie, the ass backwards script gets absolutely no help from any of its stars.

Jai Courtney continues his streak of being in unwatchable sequels to 30 year old movies and hits it out of the park with his signature cardboard performance. Jason Clarke is the least convincing resistance leader I’ve ever seen and looks like he doesn’t want to be there at all. He’s as good at hiding his accent as I am at pretending like I’m not going to cry myself to sleep tonight. Where did I go wrong? Why am I breathing? Why did they put old man skin on a robot? The only actor who seems to be enjoying himself is Arnold. He brings much needed excitement to the movie and embodies the spirit of what would happen if a robot got shitfaced and started headbutting helicopters.

The most miscast star has to be Emilia Clarke. When you think of Sarah Connor you can’t help but immediately think of Linda Hamilton. Tall, stern, ripped to shit  and could probably bench press a Volkswagen Bus if you gave her a reason to do so.

In Genisys you have a Sarah Connor that honestly represents the inspiration of the Resistance as a 5’3 bratty softie who looks like she would rather see who liked her newest stupid selfie Instagram beach photo than save humanity.  Her scenes with Arnold are flooded with the fact that she constantly calls her Guardian as “Pops” and really sells it to the Pedo-esque My Little Pony crowd. Think Ferra Torr from Mortal Kombat X and mix in a dash of “is she of age or am I going to jail” and you have the current Sarah Connor.

Congrats on being the second best Game of Thrones actress to play Sarah Connor

I say her exact height because in one scene our heroes are in a police lineup with the height measurements ACTUALLY shown in the background.  The movie made it a solid 15 second point to look at the audience and say “haha shes so tiny LOOK AT HER”.  I would have much rather preferred a subplot where someone goes back in time to kindly deter Ms Clarke to find a career where we dont have her near a mic or a camera in the future. That's a 4th wall I’ll break any fucking day of the week, much like I break my liver with hard booze every time I see someone my age announcing an engagement on facebook. Why did I zig when I should have zagged?

The film’s finale brings us to a massive level of “Bad Guys lose track of how to do the easiest fucking thing in the world.” In 2017 there is no Skynet, but there is something called “Genisys” which is an operating system that the entire world seems to embrace. Genisys promises to tie all of your devices and social media accounts together making your shit existence meaningful. You know, something I’d probably buy into to mask my own personal self hatred. If you listen closely you can actually hear the writers saying “Genisys? Don’t you mean Google” and high fiving.

Everyone in the movie is SUPER STOKED about the new version being released in 15 hours. Remember how John Connor is part Terminator now? Well he’s in charge of Genisys, because of course he is. Activating Genisys would bring the world to its knees and force us to bow to our machine overlords...hopefully in a McDonalds bathroom stall through a hole of glory.

So why doesn’t Genisys turn itself on the second it sees our heroes at the front door? There is even a scene where Kyle Reese pisses off a child hologram AI(Hey Mass Effect 3 ending, how ya doin?!), who rushes the clock from 15 hours to 15 minutes. During the final battle various other AI’s appear and taunt the heroes.  Each time the AIs are taken out the clock is bumped up a few more minutes. Will one of you assholes please just say “Aight fuck you then” and push whatever button would activate Genisys?  At one point Sarah Connor meets a child version of Kyle Reese that will make you turn to your date and go “Does she realize that she just met the child version of her fuck buddy?” It’s like visiting your date’s childhood home and seeing family portraits and thinking “hey, I totally fucked that kid.” Or at least that’s what I imagine it feels like. I personally did not run into that problem because I’m cripplingly alone.

Terminator Genisys was pretty lackluster. Massive plot holes and horrendous casting drown out the mindless action you bought a ticket for. If you somehow actually find enjoyment from this then you should be happy to know this shitfest is the first of the new Terminator trilogy.  Please see this movie and then when youre done please kick me in my big stupid fucking face.  I hated every second of this movie. I cant believe we wasted an entire WrestleMania on this.

Monday Night Shart for 10/13/2015

Monday Night Shart

Week of October 13th 2015

Sexy Submissive Sauce

           Raw was live this past Monday from the Allstate Arena in Chicago IL, and it was...well...the audio sounded better than last week.

 

Get This Goofy Demon Fuck Off My Television

We watch WWE programming on Mondays to fill the void in our empty lives follow the natural progressions of the storylines written by a team of creative individuals. This past Monday was three hours of absolutely nothing. The show opened with Was it Corporate or Demon oh god who cares this show is trash Kane speaking to Triple H and Stephanie on a speakerphone because they were “running late and may not make it.” It’s always a good sign when the people in charge can’t even be bothered to make it to the show in time. Fear not, nothing will stop them from being on your television every 20 minutes. By land, air, or sea, the Authority will make it RAW and humiliate all of your favorite stars. Enjoy the next three hours, dick.   

Kane is still struggling with split personality disorder and embodying both Corporate Kane and the Demon Kane. This started off funny, but in typical WWE spirit they are going to throw it in your face for five hours a week until the soul has left that horse’s body. Kane informs The Authority that he plans to face Seth Rollins in a lumberjack match, because why not. The Authority doesn’t like this and tells Kane he absolutely will not fight Seth tonight and that he must find another opponent for the champion. Guess who he picks. Go on, guess. You’ll never figure it out. Oh man you are gonna freak out. Guarantee you won’t see it coming.

The WWE currently has the deepest, most talented roster it’s had in the last decade. They have amazing young talent literally sitting backstage, refusing to reach up and grab that brass ring. That’s why they’re wasting away on Superstars or Main Event or Velocity instead of working in the big leagues with The Big Show, Kane, and El Torito.

When Kane is told to pick a mystery opponent for the main event, you’re supposed to get excited. You’re supposed to run down the roster in your head and get excited over potential matchups. Seth vs Dean? Yes, please. Rollins vs Owens? I’d suck a dick on Christmas for that. What if it’s a big return? Sami Zayn should be healed by now, right? Holy shit how could would that be.

We’ll never know how cool that would be, because his opponent is FUCKING KANE. What’s that faithful reader? You’re asking me how that could happen? Oh my sweet summer child. Corporate Kane can’t wrestle Seth, but THE DEMON KANE sure can. It’s the year of our Lord 2015 and you waited 3 hours to watch THE DEVIL’S FAVORITE DEMON main event America’s Longest Running Weekly Episodic Television Show. The most insulting part is that it’s a lumberjack match. The most stacked roster this company has had since the Attitude Era is standing at ringside asking themselves if demoting themselves to NXT is worth the pay cut.

Ha ha ha I am so smart

Absolutely nothing about this storyline makes any sense or is entertaining in any capacity and by the end of the night if you weren’t one of the 850,000 viewers that switched to MLB postseason or Monday Night Football you had plenty of time to take a long, hard look at your life. Hell in a Cell is in two weeks and not even Paul Heyman can convince me to give two shits about grown men concussing each other inside of a steel cage.

RIP Roman Reigns, He Never Scored

         

I....I forgot my lines

   The Roman Reigns character took seven major leaps back on Monday with another cringeworthy promo that was eerily reminiscent of his pre-Wrestlemania push. Right off the bat the fans started chanting “BORING” at the former SHIELD muscle, and rightfully so. Nothing he said had any bearing on his program with Bray in the slightest. Credit where credit’s due, he handled it well and had them eating out of the palm of his hand. Just kidding, he forgot his lines. The highlight of this was the good ole “Reigns in Headlights” look. He’s amazing when he’s part of a team. Don’t let him talk, don’t let him carry a match. Let him stand there mean mugging and then spear shit. This is the easiest character ever. Sufferin succotash. Whoever was in charge of writing this segment figured the best way to get the crowd back on his side was a singles match against Braun Strowman. For eight minutes. Fuck this, I’m gonna go check on the Steelers game.

Swiggity Swooty, Ziggler wants Nikki’s Booty

It’s 2015 and John Cena is one of the only reasons to watch RAW. He issued another US Title open challenge and was answered by Dolph Ziggler, fresh off the failed program with the beautiful, irresistible Russian dreamboat and also Lana. Both stars put on a completely watchable match, complete with Cena interrupting to congratulate some couple in the crowd that got engaged in the middle of the match. How did he pop the question to you? Oh it was so beautiful, I’ll never forget it. A man who calls himself Dolph Ziggler was rhythmically gyrating his ass and he looked at me in the eyes and said “babe, I’m here to show the world” and dropped to one knee.   

Ziggler without the stupid hair looks just like Evan Bourne

That fucking normie Ziggler with his overselling and his infuriating hair pulled out all the stops but came up short because Cena is the only god damned person on this roster who sells t-shirts. Admittedly the WWE has done an outstanding job making the US title feel more relevant than it ever has, shame they can’t be bothered to make their world champion seem important.

The Rest Because Honestly Who Gives a Fuck

                  

Nikki Bella vs Naomi: WWE reminded us that NXT Takeover: Respect was last week and if you haven’t seen it by now then go fuck yourself. They pushed Sasha Banks heavily in the video package and reminded us that women’s wrestling is a thing we should be excited about. Cut straight to Nikki Bella and fucking Naomi. Fans immediately started chanting for Sasha, leading to Brie standing on the announcer’s table and chanting along with them. It made zero sense. The boss is getting more and more over each week as more and more fans realize just how insanely talented she is. So obviously she wasn’t used in the match. Thank you Steph.

Remember when I was in that NXT Womens Title Match?  Thanks Steph

Dean Ambrose and Randy Orton don’t trust each other. The Master of the RKO reminded us that he DOES IN FACT HEAR VOICES IN HIS HEAD, MAGGLE and he doesn’t even trust himself. Fuck off back to St. Louis already, no one cares. .

Neville and Cesaro vs King Barrett and Sheamus. Three hours is a long time, folks. Watchable match, but I can guarantee by the time this is online I will have already forgotten about it. We want Cesaro in the main event (not ON Main Event you fucks). We want Bad News Barrett back. We want Neville to stop being the man Creative forgot. We want Sheamus to fuck off with Randy Orton.

Kevin Owens killed Kalisto with a vicious powerbomb. And here I thought this was going to be the start of Kalisto’s race to the title.

WWE merged the real life engagement of Rusev and Lana into their program with Summer Rae. All I can remember is that Summer came out and ended her relationship with RuRu. This ungodly feud finally ends not with a bang, but with a TMZ headline.

Team PCB or NBC or what the fuck ever took on Alicia Fox and Brie Bella. Thank you Steph. Paige was at ringside even though the team has broken up twice now. Thank you Steph. She rambled on about nonsense while we were treated to the worst match of the night. I think Team Bella won but honestly who wants to put a bullet in my brain already? Why dont one of you Harley Race on over here and end this nightmare once and for all. Let me know in the comments if you’re man enough to take a human life. Thank you Steph.  

This was a terrible show all around with blown opportunities left and right. The “Legends” show is in Texas next week and Hell in a Cell is a week after. There is absolutely no reason to watch either one of them after what we saw. I’ll see you all there.

lmfao at thinking this is even remotely close to TNA booking oh my sweet innocent child the horrors you dont even understand. didgeridoo yourself a favor and watch the barbed wire christmas tree match then get at me.

          

The combination of NFL football and baseball playoffs, combined with a less-than-interesting product in recent weeks, saw Raw fall to a new non-holiday low of 3.27 million viewers last night.  The only episode of the show since 1997 that did worse was a Christmas Eve show in 2012 that did 3.14 million viewers.