WWE RAW Sewage

WWE RAW Sewage

Week of 10/19/2015

Sexy Submissive Sauce

    “Look Into My Eyes

Tell Me What You See

This Show is Piss

Now Kill Me Please”

With week after week of terrible shows and all time low ratings, WWE turned to nostalgia to pique my interest. Superstars old and new sharing the ring together. You guys like Steve Austin, right? THIS IS DALLAS OF COURSE YOU DO. How about Undertaker?! SURE! Brock Lesnar?! Squirt some semen on my chapped lips YOU BET I WANT LESNAR. Good to hear, because all 3 are going to share the same ring and manage to not actually sell anything for 20 minutes. What do you mean “new Star Wars trailer?” You guys liked the SHIELD, right? Guys...

SPEAKING OF HELL IN A CELL

            Undertaker vs Lesnar in a Hell in a Cell match is a match we would all be freaking out about...12 year ago. If there’s one thing I agree with the WWE is that Brock Lesnar really IS a special attraction. The Beast Incarnate is the best gimmick the company has put together in years and having his dick punched on Pay Per View/Network Specials (look I don’t fucking know what to call them any more) is the worst turn anyone could make. I drive by her house daily just to bring back the fun memories.  

             

Ask any massive idiot that still watches weekly what they look forward to the most at Hell In A Cell and you’ll probably get a look of bewilderment. The “Deer In Headlights” look.  Absolutely no match on this card looks interesting at all. Part of the blame is the fact that we have themed PPVs. Hell in a Cell/Elimination Chamber should be the absolute last resort on means to conclude a story. You know, crafting a story of months for it to culminate in a violent cage match that leaves no question as to who comes out on top. It’s this crazy thing called “storytelling” which was all the rage back when this company wasn’t topping itself with record low ratings on a weekly basis. Instead this is “Oh yeah it’s October, someone remember to load up that big stupid cage and bring it to the arena, don’t worry we’ll throw Kane in there. Shit will be jokes.”  

         The other part of the blame is that the Undertaker has absolutely no business in the ring. You can argue that statement but we all know you would just be hanging onto nostalgia. I randomly think about the time we went to Six Flags, riding roller coasters, laughing with her from one ride to the next, knowing our future would be special. The past two matches have ended in The Phenom needing actual assistance going back through the curtain post match. Having The Beast destroy an old guy sounds hilarious on paper, but is flat out depressing in front of cameras. I almost don’t want to watch...I say as I cancel all of the plans I don’t have so I can eat an entire pizza while watching a geriatric get suplexed into dust.

The Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels had a somewhat entertaining in-ring promo with the World Heavyweight Champion Seth Rollins.  Basically the promo came down to HBK reciting an older speech where he goes on about everyone claiming to be “Shawn Michaels version two.”  The direction of this segment came off like Vince himself asking us to stop comparing Rollins to Michaels and let him go do his own thing. At this point I kinda zoned out when I started thinking of all the holidays I spent with her family. The warmth of her fireplace, the look in her eyes when I shared time with her, contrasted with the bitter loneliness of a grown ass man that still watches professional wrestling. Only hearing the sounds of my dishwasher, it too knowing I’ve been cooking for one person for years now.  Im sure she's cooking for her lovely family.  When I snapped out of my gaze I quickly remembered, “Wheres Kane? Isnt he fighting Seth for the title on Sunday?”  Well gamer do I have news for you. The company felt the need to suspend CORPORATE KANE or something. As much as I can’t stand Kane, leaving the number one contender for the title off of the go home show is laughable. I have no idea how this segment ended, but hopefully it was the same way my life will: with Shawn Michaels saying “I’m sorry, I love you” and kicking me in the face.

RAW was Main Evented™(haha do you see what I did right there?!  give it a minute it will sink in) with the Wyatt Family, with the addition of Erik Rowan and the absence of Luke Harper.  Absolutely no reason was given. She never said why she left. Just one day all of our memories became just that. Memories. Our once promised future was just a distant dream at the blink of an eye. On the other side of the ring was THE SHIELD. HOLY SHIT THE SHIELD IS BACK.  Well hold the phone there idiot. It was really Dean Ambrose and Roman Reigns guest starring Seth Rollins, who left halfway through the match.   

The rest of RAW was an episode you’ve seen before. New Day being funny as always, divas are still carrying on the revolution (thank you Steph), and Kevin Owens hitting an absolutely stunning powerbomb on big ass Mark Henry. The one notable exception this week however is that like Luke Harper, Randy Orton was also missing. Cole tried to explain that Orton suffered an off camera injury, likely due to the Wyatt family attacking him. According to the dirtsheetz (who are never, ever wrong), Orton may have suffered another shoulder injury while carrying a trashbag. Literally. That’s weird, I don’t remember him wrestling Sheamus last week.

Now that shitstain of a show is over, what can we look forward to at Hell In a Cell?  

Nothing. Seriously, this show will be another “Not A Big 4” special and will be quickly forgotten in the coming days. Also because Halo 5 comes out hours later and nothing will matter for months while I digest that game. We’ve already covered the wet fart of a main event, so how does the rest of the card look?

John Cena vs TBD: Most likely due to Randy Orton being out of action, this match was announced at RAW. Cena is once again carrying out an open challenge for the title. I ran through the options in my head. Who isn’t booked for this show? It would be amazing if Prince Pretty challenged for the title, but that wouldn’t make sense. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. Do you know who doesn’t have a match? The Fucking Big Show. The Big Show is going to knockout punch Cena (who’s taking time off after this show) and there’s not a god damned thing anyone can do about it.

I’m so broken by this trash product that all I want is for Corporate Kane to be the surprise opponent, win the US title, then have Demon Kane win in the main event. Fuck this company to death, let it ride on Kane.

Kevin Owens vs Ryback:  Let me guess, someone is going to yell “FEED ME MORE” and someone is just going to yell. I’m sure there will be a pop-up powerbomb. Thank God Kevin Owens was relegated to just another guy, I almost had a vested interest in the product for a while there.

The New Day vs The Dudley Boyz for the Tag Team CHAMPIONSHAAAA:  Why this match isn’t falling under some sort of extreme rules setting or a Hell in a Cell is beyond me. The New Day has proven that they can be as, if not more vicious, than the Dudley Boyz when they need to be. God dammit, it’s going to end in a Xavier Woods DQ again, isn’t it?

Charlotte vs Nikki Bella for the butterfly belt: You can look but you can’t watch this match please just watch the World Series or something instead I beg you.

Reigns vs Bray Wyatt in the cell.  Reigns and Bray Wyatt are still in a tissy for some reason, this time they’re caged LIKE WILD ANIMALS I TELL YA!

Seth Rollins vs Kane for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship. If DEMON KANE loses, CORPORATE KANE WILL BE FIRED FROM BEING THE DIRECTOR OF OPERATIONS.  If you care at all for this then please leave a comment describing how you feel anything anymore, because I sure don’t.

There you have it. Another build up show for a bigger special in Survivor Series coming next month. If you’re thinking of ending it after Sunday night just remember that Master Chief is a goddamn traitor and Spartan Locke will save us all. Hunt the truth, uggos.