Monday Night Shart for 10/13/2015

Monday Night Shart

Week of October 13th 2015

Sexy Submissive Sauce

           Raw was live this past Monday from the Allstate Arena in Chicago IL, and it was...well...the audio sounded better than last week.

 

Get This Goofy Demon Fuck Off My Television

We watch WWE programming on Mondays to fill the void in our empty lives follow the natural progressions of the storylines written by a team of creative individuals. This past Monday was three hours of absolutely nothing. The show opened with Was it Corporate or Demon oh god who cares this show is trash Kane speaking to Triple H and Stephanie on a speakerphone because they were “running late and may not make it.” It’s always a good sign when the people in charge can’t even be bothered to make it to the show in time. Fear not, nothing will stop them from being on your television every 20 minutes. By land, air, or sea, the Authority will make it RAW and humiliate all of your favorite stars. Enjoy the next three hours, dick.   

Kane is still struggling with split personality disorder and embodying both Corporate Kane and the Demon Kane. This started off funny, but in typical WWE spirit they are going to throw it in your face for five hours a week until the soul has left that horse’s body. Kane informs The Authority that he plans to face Seth Rollins in a lumberjack match, because why not. The Authority doesn’t like this and tells Kane he absolutely will not fight Seth tonight and that he must find another opponent for the champion. Guess who he picks. Go on, guess. You’ll never figure it out. Oh man you are gonna freak out. Guarantee you won’t see it coming.

The WWE currently has the deepest, most talented roster it’s had in the last decade. They have amazing young talent literally sitting backstage, refusing to reach up and grab that brass ring. That’s why they’re wasting away on Superstars or Main Event or Velocity instead of working in the big leagues with The Big Show, Kane, and El Torito.

When Kane is told to pick a mystery opponent for the main event, you’re supposed to get excited. You’re supposed to run down the roster in your head and get excited over potential matchups. Seth vs Dean? Yes, please. Rollins vs Owens? I’d suck a dick on Christmas for that. What if it’s a big return? Sami Zayn should be healed by now, right? Holy shit how could would that be.

We’ll never know how cool that would be, because his opponent is FUCKING KANE. What’s that faithful reader? You’re asking me how that could happen? Oh my sweet summer child. Corporate Kane can’t wrestle Seth, but THE DEMON KANE sure can. It’s the year of our Lord 2015 and you waited 3 hours to watch THE DEVIL’S FAVORITE DEMON main event America’s Longest Running Weekly Episodic Television Show. The most insulting part is that it’s a lumberjack match. The most stacked roster this company has had since the Attitude Era is standing at ringside asking themselves if demoting themselves to NXT is worth the pay cut.

Ha ha ha I am so smart

Absolutely nothing about this storyline makes any sense or is entertaining in any capacity and by the end of the night if you weren’t one of the 850,000 viewers that switched to MLB postseason or Monday Night Football you had plenty of time to take a long, hard look at your life. Hell in a Cell is in two weeks and not even Paul Heyman can convince me to give two shits about grown men concussing each other inside of a steel cage.

RIP Roman Reigns, He Never Scored

         

I....I forgot my lines

   The Roman Reigns character took seven major leaps back on Monday with another cringeworthy promo that was eerily reminiscent of his pre-Wrestlemania push. Right off the bat the fans started chanting “BORING” at the former SHIELD muscle, and rightfully so. Nothing he said had any bearing on his program with Bray in the slightest. Credit where credit’s due, he handled it well and had them eating out of the palm of his hand. Just kidding, he forgot his lines. The highlight of this was the good ole “Reigns in Headlights” look. He’s amazing when he’s part of a team. Don’t let him talk, don’t let him carry a match. Let him stand there mean mugging and then spear shit. This is the easiest character ever. Sufferin succotash. Whoever was in charge of writing this segment figured the best way to get the crowd back on his side was a singles match against Braun Strowman. For eight minutes. Fuck this, I’m gonna go check on the Steelers game.

Swiggity Swooty, Ziggler wants Nikki’s Booty

It’s 2015 and John Cena is one of the only reasons to watch RAW. He issued another US Title open challenge and was answered by Dolph Ziggler, fresh off the failed program with the beautiful, irresistible Russian dreamboat and also Lana. Both stars put on a completely watchable match, complete with Cena interrupting to congratulate some couple in the crowd that got engaged in the middle of the match. How did he pop the question to you? Oh it was so beautiful, I’ll never forget it. A man who calls himself Dolph Ziggler was rhythmically gyrating his ass and he looked at me in the eyes and said “babe, I’m here to show the world” and dropped to one knee.   

Ziggler without the stupid hair looks just like Evan Bourne

That fucking normie Ziggler with his overselling and his infuriating hair pulled out all the stops but came up short because Cena is the only god damned person on this roster who sells t-shirts. Admittedly the WWE has done an outstanding job making the US title feel more relevant than it ever has, shame they can’t be bothered to make their world champion seem important.

The Rest Because Honestly Who Gives a Fuck

                  

Nikki Bella vs Naomi: WWE reminded us that NXT Takeover: Respect was last week and if you haven’t seen it by now then go fuck yourself. They pushed Sasha Banks heavily in the video package and reminded us that women’s wrestling is a thing we should be excited about. Cut straight to Nikki Bella and fucking Naomi. Fans immediately started chanting for Sasha, leading to Brie standing on the announcer’s table and chanting along with them. It made zero sense. The boss is getting more and more over each week as more and more fans realize just how insanely talented she is. So obviously she wasn’t used in the match. Thank you Steph.

Remember when I was in that NXT Womens Title Match?  Thanks Steph

Dean Ambrose and Randy Orton don’t trust each other. The Master of the RKO reminded us that he DOES IN FACT HEAR VOICES IN HIS HEAD, MAGGLE and he doesn’t even trust himself. Fuck off back to St. Louis already, no one cares. .

Neville and Cesaro vs King Barrett and Sheamus. Three hours is a long time, folks. Watchable match, but I can guarantee by the time this is online I will have already forgotten about it. We want Cesaro in the main event (not ON Main Event you fucks). We want Bad News Barrett back. We want Neville to stop being the man Creative forgot. We want Sheamus to fuck off with Randy Orton.

Kevin Owens killed Kalisto with a vicious powerbomb. And here I thought this was going to be the start of Kalisto’s race to the title.

WWE merged the real life engagement of Rusev and Lana into their program with Summer Rae. All I can remember is that Summer came out and ended her relationship with RuRu. This ungodly feud finally ends not with a bang, but with a TMZ headline.

Team PCB or NBC or what the fuck ever took on Alicia Fox and Brie Bella. Thank you Steph. Paige was at ringside even though the team has broken up twice now. Thank you Steph. She rambled on about nonsense while we were treated to the worst match of the night. I think Team Bella won but honestly who wants to put a bullet in my brain already? Why dont one of you Harley Race on over here and end this nightmare once and for all. Let me know in the comments if you’re man enough to take a human life. Thank you Steph.  

This was a terrible show all around with blown opportunities left and right. The “Legends” show is in Texas next week and Hell in a Cell is a week after. There is absolutely no reason to watch either one of them after what we saw. I’ll see you all there.

lmfao at thinking this is even remotely close to TNA booking oh my sweet innocent child the horrors you dont even understand. didgeridoo yourself a favor and watch the barbed wire christmas tree match then get at me.

          

The combination of NFL football and baseball playoffs, combined with a less-than-interesting product in recent weeks, saw Raw fall to a new non-holiday low of 3.27 million viewers last night.  The only episode of the show since 1997 that did worse was a Christmas Eve show in 2012 that did 3.14 million viewers.